Thursday, August 18, 2016

Marriage Tips For Men Part III: What To Say To Your Wife And How To Say It

Printable Color Infographic PDF by Adai Ad
Words mean a lot when they are sincere.

Most men don't talk much, and among guys that is the way we prefer it. We don't care to talk about our feelings. We don't care to be recognized for who we are, but rather, for our accomplishments.

For men, not saying anything means that everything is just grand.

For women, not saying anything leaves a void that they fill with questions. Being ultra-critical of themselves, they mentally beat themselves up, thinking every negative possibility. Needless to say, this makes them unhappy.

This does not mean you have to talk a lot, rather, that some things are important to say.

Here are some things you should share with your wife.

1) Tell her how you feel about her.

Most men love their wives. But it isn't in our nature to share our feelings. She is aching to know how you feel about her, and though you told her a week ago and nothing has changed, she is already thinking negative thoughts.

Among men, not seeing or talking for years, doesn't change how we feel about each other. Among women, not talking for a while, is proof that the friendship has gone south.

Think about it before you tell her, don't just say meaningless words. Be creative, find new ways to tell her how you feel about her. Saying the same thing for fourty years is not the way to go about it.

2) Tell her how well she is doing.

She wants to know if she is a good wife and a good mother. Don't focus on the negative, she already has enough negative thoughts about herself. Focus on the positive, remind her of things she does, for you and for the family. When you see her do something that shows that she is a good wife or mother, point it out, let her know that you appreciate her.

3) Notice and compliment.

For women, who they are is extremely important. Therefore, their feelings, their dress, their talents, their abilities and their self expression is of tremendous importance, as it is an expression of who they are.

Therefore complementing what they do, their creativity, how they look or what they are wearing is validating who they are.

Even more than all this, is her inner beauty and her inner strengths, her brain and her heart. As you get to know her, and you see how incredible she is on the inside, make sure you complement her inner self. If you only notice her outside, your feelings for her will begin to seem shallow, and her respect for you will begin to wane.

When you notice these things, you are noticing her for who she is as her own person. You have to respect and honor her for who she is.

This is so important. You have to love her for who she is, and not for what she does for you. When you love her for who she is, she will feel good when she does things for you. When you love her for what she does for you, she will feel used.

Now, how to say it.

The main thing is to say it, but being creative will mean so much more.

Speaking and texting is good, but writing a note or a letter is special and endearing. So use all these means, speak and text often, write notes when you can and every once in a while, write her a letter.

A letter, whether written by hand, typed or emailed, will give her the opportunity to read and reread it, and it gives you the ability to think about what you are saying and to be accurate. Because you took the time to write it, it will mean so much to her. You should even consider making letter writing a part of your routine, once a week, once a month, before a holiday, etc. If you do, she will be waiting for your letter with joyful anticipation.

(Now that I am unable to speak, I started writing my wife letters every Friday. I now see the value of writing letters, it is so much more than talking.)

Of course there are many other things that you should share with your wife, these are just some of the important things. Remember, the main thing is not the way you choose to say it, but that you say it.

I hope this strengthens your relationship.

Marriage Tips for Men Part I
Marriage Tips for Men Part II: How to Listen  

10 comments:

  1. Recognize a woman for the person for who she is, IS the most deeply act of love you can give. It strenghts her selfacceptance, her values and acceptance, and it is a proof that you don't see her as your decoration of your manhood...... but as a unique person who shares your hart

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  2. This is what I say when I counsel couples before the wedding: Men care what you do. Women care what you say. Men need to say, "I love you.". Women need to show "I love you" by doing something to show it (little things, like buying his favorite brand of coffee, or having a cold glass of water for him when he returns home on a hot day.)

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  3. It's not PC to say, but both partners need to verbalize their love and appreciation. Men to women and Women to men. It has been my experience that both partners have no problem being critical and judgemental. Suggesting that only men have to verbalize appreciation, respect, caring and love is one sided. Further, it is characterizing women like they are children and not responsible or mature enough to be equal partners in a relationship. Finally, the idea that women are naturally more expressive of loving feelings is just not true at all.

    Further, last time I checked, women (like men) also LOVE little gestures to show you care, such as helping around the house, flowers, breakfast in bed and her favorite ice-cream.

    As Jews, we learn from Gd. We (men and women) are required to spend hours each day both singing His praises and doing actions for Him. This teaches each and everyone of us that this is how we are to treat others. And, that ultimately, treating others this way is more a benefit for ourselves than for others.

    Just my thoughts :)

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    Replies
    1. Dovid, your points are well taken. This article is called "Marriage Tips For Men." feel free to write an article giving tips for women.

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  4. Excellent advice and well written.
    This is more important than most men realize.
    I would venture to say that the majority of men recieve much more praise and affirmation than a woman does, any day, period.
    **** Especiallly needed for women who have decided to nurture their children by being a stay at home mother.
    Not being in the work world, limits any positive feedback we get, thus it really is appreciated when your husband affirms your worth.
    Yitzi has good insight!
    Thanks Yitzi and G-d Bless

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  5. Also....
    When I was in a pre marital talk session many years ago, the older gentleman giving instruciton said something I never forgot and I agree with totally...though some may not agree??
    but he said in all his years of helping couples with problems in their marriage, he has found, for the MOST part, " men act, and women react."
    I have found that true with myself.
    That's not saying 100% of the time, but for the most part.!

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  7. Thanks for sharing rabbi yitzi ��
    It helps me be grateful for my husband who goes out of his way to tell me how much he loves me. He leads the way and it helps me respond on kind. Also part of a daily check-in that I was recommended is a five daily share. Each spouse takes turns answering these five questions. 1. Something your grateful for about your spouse. 2. A curiousity that you have. I.e. I wonder how my job will go. 3. A problem you noticed and a solution ( it can be about your spouse ) 4. Something new thar happened on your day or something you heard.. 5. Hopes and dreams for the future !

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  8. Thanks for sharing rabbi yitzi ��
    It helps me be grateful for my husband who goes out of his way to tell me how much he loves me. He leads the way and it helps me respond on kind. Also part of a daily check-in that I was recommended is a five daily share. Each spouse takes turns answering these five questions. 1. Something your grateful for about your spouse. 2. A curiousity that you have. I.e. I wonder how my job will go. 3. A problem you noticed and a solution ( it can be about your spouse ) 4. Something new thar happened on your day or something you heard.. 5. Hopes and dreams for the future !

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  9. Hi,

    miyad mimashti your tips .. over le'asiyatan.. ;-)

    thanks Rabbi

    Ariel
    Tel Aviv

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